I used to be hopeful and look forward to New Year. Believing a new year would be a fresh start and the chance to improve our relationship. Sadly that wasn't last longlasting, and by mid-January, I was already deflated. I was often exhausted from December's business month and never seemed to have time to rest and recuperate. New Year's Eve didn't excite me any more as I was once again working preparing vegetables and deserts and dressing the tables for the arrival of his family for dinner the next day. I felt my life had just becoming looking after everyone else.
Even in our quiet moments in the bedroom, there was no tenderness or love. Our sex life had become just sex. I felt used and unsatisfied in every way. It again felt like I was there just to serve someone else's needs and had to ignore how I was feeling. It was coarse and uncaring and never any loving words, just reprimands if I didn't give him my body.
I couldn't help a growing feeling that I needed something else to give me joy and pleasure. At the same time, I was starting to question whether I was worthy of another type of life and that things weren't going well because of something I had done, or something was wrong with me.
This was a pervasive and sapping toxin.
Over time I stopped caring about my weight and my figure. I didn't bother about nice clothes or doing my hair and make-up. What was the point as I never went anywhere or did anything differently? The animals on the farm weren't bothered about my appearance. The day's highlight was the school bus run which got me away from the property for a few minutes.
New Year never brought a fresh start; it was just a return to the same old rut of life.
Our bank account used to be empty at this time of year, so the New Year started with the same worries as the old one. How were we going to make ends meet this year? For few years, I had cashed in my personal savings and pension funds to help with the shortfall of cash on the farm.
Then in 2014 I made a different resolution. The pain just got too much to bear, so I resolved to take a gamble and change my life in 2014. That was the first time I had made a resolution that I followed through with for many a year!