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Happy Birthday to Me!

My Birthday

As it happens, my birthday is mid-January; I'm not sure why I have stated that or why it is important to this blog. I have realised that it is only important to an abuser to ensure a good put down and that I had a solid day of knowing I wasn't worthy.

My birthdays very often started with the statement, "I didn't want to get you something you didn't need, so I haven't bought you anything".

Happy birthday to me!

He would buy a card but no loving words to a wife, and he never included any kisses at the end of his message.

Perhaps that wasn't unusual for him, as this didn't seem to be something his family did for each other. I tried to encourage him over the years that it was a nice gesture, but it wasn't a natural thing for him to do.

So nothing was exciting to look forward to on my birthday, no birthday meal outing, I would normally just receive a lecture about the cost of everything, and we had just had Christmas and hadn't I eaten enough over the festive period? I should do something about losing some weight

Happy birthday to me!

After I had petitioned him for divorce, he took me out for a meal on my birthday. To my surprise, at the restaurant was a large bouquet of flowers waiting for me. It was a local restaurant, and I am sure these flowers were to impress the local people; knowing that I had filed for a divorce, he wanted to make sure he looked like the perfect husband.

We enjoyed our meal but sadly was dampened when William complained about the menu prices. Knowing that he was paying, he begrudged everything. When I used to pay, he never mentioned a word about the menu prices.

On this evening, I really wasn't sure if celebrating us divorcing or wanting to create a 'show' of our relationship to the other diners. Still, either way, it really wasn't an enjoyable experience.

I used to feel sorry for him and consider that maybe he found it difficult to show love and affection as he had not received it as a child. Eventually, I wore me down and gave up as I realised things between us were never going to change.

But by this time, my self-esteem was at rock bottom. Whatever had been spent on me for my birthday, he would usually find a way of recouping before very long. An example, one year, we had a litter of puppies, and as they were ready to leave for their new homes, instead of being able to bank the profits from the sale, he would present me with a list of debts I apparently owed to him. Included in the list was the cost of my birthday meal!

He always made me feel cheap and worthless.

He had his own business aside from our farm business, but he kept that business separate from the household.

It was a case of what was his was his, and what was mine was also his.

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